I'm alive...yes its true.

Today is my one week anniversary of my new life in Berkeley and its a pretty damn happy one. I've spent most of my week not doing anything i had planned but being with Dan. I am utterly shocked by how much he and our relationship have changed. He finally let go of his fears and muttered the words "I am completely in love with you." And I must say...his actions have supported his words. Cloyne life is cool...I'm starting to feel at home here and I've made a lot of "friends." My temp roommates aren't bad nor is the room but I can't wait to know where my permanent room will be. Yesterday Dan and I went to San fran...we just got up and felt like going so we did..that fucking rocks. Today we are going to a Marley brothers concert at the Greek (which happens to be RIGHT NEXT TO THE CO-OPS) and then his co-op (cz) is coming over to for a joined last night of summer party. ahh college. sweet.

My computer is satan.

My life is insanely busy.

Saturday night we went to ozzfest. It was amazing..original Black Sabbath- wow.

Sunday, Roma and Rosie came from canada and we spent to day with them, that was nice. In the evening i went on my last full moon hike. sad.

Today I spent all day driving Roma and Rosie around. We went to beverly center and venice beach. I really miss venice. I got home and thought I would die, but ended up going to Dan's house to hang out w/ Jason, Theo, Zippy, Dee, and Damon. There is without a doubt tension growing between Jason and I. I think its only a matter of time before we get drunk enough not to care about how horrible the situation is.

I'm leaving to France on thursday. The day I get back I'm going to camp. (Becca called today and made my summer!)..and then I'm leaving camp a day early to go to Berkeley. Thats it. 2 more days in LA. AHHHH!

I'm not going to update this for awhile...in other words...hope everything is great with your move Laura ..Love you and talk to you soon! (next time we talk will be from denver and berkeley...crazy)

I'm not in a good mood.

Yazmin is evading me, quite rudely, and I really want my stuff back. Its upsetting me more than it should.

My incomplete class is nagging me.

I'm nervous.

I feel fat. I feel like my gut is growing...and I can't even excersize. How am I going to go back to dance next month?


I want magic...I want warm rain and Remy Zero and Dan's eyes and laughter. I want his gentle kiss.

I want to be alone.

I want to cry.

I've been craving pizza for awhile. Pizza always makes me feel so guilty. I decided I would have pizza today. I thought about calling Theo and asking him if he wanted Greco's but I decided I didn't want to see Theo. So, I was going to order an entire Papa John's and devour it in front of the TV...But thats ridiculously expensive. Still..no pizza.

I heard a crack outside my window and looked over at it...I really miss those nights when I would lay in bed thinking of Dan and he would be outside my window throwing pebbles at it to get me to look outside.

Both Janet and Grandma called me today. They made me feel really good. They are apart of what I love about Dan...I'm so busy fantasizing about us being a family to see that we already are.


Tishler said he will give me one year to make up my incomplete. I'm fucked. I hope Berkeley will be ok with this, they have to be. They sent me a DVD that some students made about the "spirit of cal" ...I can't wait to walk along telegraph and sproul as a real student.

I have to go in for another ultrasound tomorrow. I hope I'm ok. =/

I really want to see Garden State, I really want to see it with Daniel.

The past few days have been...scary.

Jason invited everyone over to his house saturday night. I called the smackers and Hayley and Yana joined us. The evening was mediocre...I really missed Dan. I called him and asked him if he could come home but he said he would get in trouble. So the festivities continued..and then he walked in. I love his surprises. We talked and it was really good to see him but I had to go home around 3. He decided he would be ok if he left to go back at 6 so we stayed up cuddling.

Right before he went back we started to go at it and at some point he hit something and it just didn't feel right. We stopped and I was in a lot of pain. I've been having a pain in the right side of my abdomen for some time but it was nothing like this. Dan had to go back to camp to pack up but he would be back later and we were supposed to go to his staff party which i have been looking forward to all week.

After he left, the pain got really bad and I started crying. I tried to get up but got really hot and blacked out. I fell on the floor and the noise woke up my parents who rushed me to the ER. They took all the usual tests and gave me an ultrasound which showed that I had an erupted cyst, which usually isn't a big deal, but it was accompanied by an abnormal amount of internal bleeding.

I called Dan and he threw everything in his car and rushed back to the hospital just as they admitted me. He stayed for awhile and then left. They kept running tests and such and then I finally fell asleep. When I woke up Dan, his grandma, Jason, and Theo were there. They brought me a scary bumble bee balloon and a couple of sheep dog toys, some bamboo and lots of laughs. Dan fell asleep on my hospital bed since he hadn't slept all night. Everyone walked back and he left when he woke up to visit Lonna and his mom.

The doctor came by and said they would have to keep me overnight and that I probably had to have surgery. They said my blood pressure was dropping rapidly and my red and white blood cell counts were abnormal. On top of everything I had a bladder infection.

Lily came by to visit me and brought me this little egg shaped stone thats supposed to calm me down. She said shes had since she was little and it got her through berkeley and law school. I was really touched. She made me laugh a lot, I really like being with her. She wants to drive up to berkeley with us..I hope she does.

Visiting hours ended at 8 and i got really scared and miserable being there. Dan hadn't come back before the party like he said. I got mad at him.

And then he walked in with a cd player and a bunch of books to get me through the night. I was still kind of mad that he would go to a party while I was in the hospital but o well.

They took my blood every hour all night and took my vital signs every half hour. It was really cold and the sounds of a hospital are just awful.

They did another ultrasound in the morning and the bleeding had gone down a little so they said they would hold off on the surgery for a few days.

I have to go back there on thursday to get that checked out and schedule my surgery. Tishler said he would give me an incomplete and let me take the final when I get a little better...which has to be by next week since I'm leaving to france next thursday. blah.

I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about Daniel.

I woke up today and read the book he gave me for a little while and then I had to put it down to focus all my concentration on thinking about him..and fell asleep again. I did this again this afternoon. I started reading my math book and grasped one small concept of Cylindrical Volumes or such...which I hope is nothing more than simple integration...and again started thinking of Dan.

At first I was thinking of how hard he hugged me and how softly he whispered "i love you" ...like the thought made cry...like it was an emotion that not even he could conceal. Then I started thinking about Rafi. I started wondering when he had begun to talk to her, sleep with her. I remembered that day we were lying on my couch and he had a phone call and I thought it was his little sister but then after I examined the conversation I knew it couldn't have been. Later he told me it was Rafi. Thinking of her makes me sick to my stomach..I don't want to see him or hug him or feel any of these emotions. However, I know when I see him..even before I see him...she will seem trivial.

He made it all seem very logical and it is my nature to forgive but there is a feeling I can't rid myself of..i have an intuition that we aren't supposed to be and that we are perfect for each other all at once.

I don't believe in astrology but I was reading a book I had on the subject to amuse myself and the compatibility section said our stars make us amazing lovers but that love can turn to friendship and will at best.

That sounds right...but it doesn't make it any easier.

The first half of today I spent sleeping to avoid doing anything. The second half of my day I spent sitting in Riva's extra chair trying to understand integrals. I HATE MATH! I don't really but I'm really tired of this class.

I also discovered that my new bike, which I've ridden once, that has been leaning against the tree in my front yard for 3 months is not leaning against it anymore. Nor is it anywhere around my house or at Dan's. The guys didn't take it, I didn't touch it, so that leads me to believe that some horrible heartless bastard walked alll the way down my private street, opened my freaking security gate and took my bike..now that seems like an awful lot of trouble. Alina's bike which was...all half a step away from mine..is still there. And her bike is much nicer.

Leave me alone world!

Dan sent me a text message that said "Thinking of You" and it felt like the first time. =)

I feel beaten. These past few have taken the life out of me...in good ways and bad.

I went to the hollywood bowl with Janet tuesday night. I was scared that it would be awkward and it probably was a little but we talked and it was nice to spend some time alone with her for the first time. When we got back to the house, Dan was home. He had his 24 hour break. We had really missed each other and it felt so good to just hold him. He was happy that I spent time with his mom. We layed around and talked. He told me about the hike he went on at camp. They did a meditation and he had seen himself walking on a path and the facilitator said to look to the right side and see a guide, which could be anything, and he said he saw me and I took his hand and we walked down the path together. That made me tear up. He said we got to a tree and I pointed to it, telling him he had to go alone, and he did. He turned back to look for me and I started walking back down the path and he got scared and ran toward me, took my hand, and walked back with me. Thats a good metaphor for what we have become.
I ditched class the next morning..I was already behind and I couldn't drag myself to sit through Tishler's lecture. I went over to Dan's and we watched tv with Jason for awhile. Jason went to pick up Theo and we started messing around. When the guys got back we walked to Los Tapatios for some burritos. Pinney and Alon joined us and we were all talking about what a scumbag Joe had been when, in all irony, Joe walks in with his satan mother, Carthic and Neil. His mom immedietely goes over to Theo to tell him shes taking his family to court for the couch incident..how stupid!! Joe mumbled something about needing to talk to Dan..but Dan was just angry to see him and went outside..Pinney and Drew made some obsene comments and went outside too. We all went back to Dan's and the guys went swimming...I got grouchy and drove home. I played piano for awhile and went to sleep. Mom called and had me run some errands including picking something up from Grandma's house. Dan called while I was on the way there and asked me to pick him up from the mechanic.